Mark Rogers

After a powerful message and service at my church this past Sunday morning, I began to reflect on my life…..as a dad. When it comes to thinking back over my life in that role, I try to avoid it. Yep, you read it right. I try to avoid thinking about it. All I can say is, I’m thankful God is the God of mercy and second chances. I’m glad, because just being candid and open with you, in my younger life I was a sorry dad. Not that I was abusive or did any of the big things that you think about when talking about sorry dads.

Going through a divorce early in my adult years, the mother of my two daughters and I had a tumultuous relationship at it’s best, horrible at its worst. And it inevitably ended in divorce. When I got divorced, I was not a Christian, and was glad to get out of a terrible and sometimes dangerous relationship that left all of our lives in shambles. One of my daughters was 4, the other just months old. At that point, I should have made a huge effort to make sure I did everything I could to be a part of my daughters’ lives, but to avoid being near their mother, I often avoided them. And as they grew the importance of this deficit grew with them.

Now, you can throw out the excuse that I wasn’t a Christian, didn’t have Christ in me, etc. And it would sound much better, except that five years after I was divorced, I became a Christian, but my dad skills didn’t improve. Filled with the Spirit of God, tons of people around me prophesying how great I was going to be, I had to serve and couldn’t let anything as trivial as my kids’ activities keep my wonderfulness from doing the work of God. My kids became an inconvenience to my service to God and when I was with them there was always a watching of the clock and often they were left in the care of grandparents while I went off to do “God’s work”. I was too busy with church to give attention to my young daughters, and a price was building that we would all pay for years to come and continue to pay to this day.

Well into my Christian life, I became aware of what I had done, and on my knees in front of both of my kids one afternoon, I repented of what I had done to them and vowed to change. I asked their forgiveness which, at that point they extended as kids usually do. But deep damage had been done. As they grew, they grew away from me, away from church, away from God. While they loved me, I had given them no reason as kids to understand God as a “father” and it took a deep toll. Today, I have no relationship with one daughter and the other is deeply troubled having been in and out of jail, prison, and drug rehab over and over through her entire adult life. No more needs to be said about this. You probably get the point. I guess here is a good place to insert that if you recognize yourself in what I used to be like, stop dead in your tracks and get it right without any delay. Before you can blink the opportunity will be past and the damage done.

But moving on, the irony of God’s mercy showed up years later when the youth pastor at my church asked my current wife and I if we would like to teach teenagers. We reluctantly agreed and embarked on what would be an incredible 15 year journey that would connect us with dozens of teenagers. With many of them we developed relationships that have lasted until today, some of them now in their 30s with families serving God alongside us. And God gave us the privilege to become involved in other people’s lives helping them raise their kids just like they were our grand kids.

And then the biggest irony of all when 6 years ago, God placed a little 9 year old Mexican girl in our lives, who became our daughter, the love of our life, and as much a part of our lives as any child could be to parents. Today, she has just turned 16 and is one of the most unique kids we have ever known. Jacquilyn loves us and likes to hang out with us. She does martial arts, shooting and fishing with me, and all kinds of “girl stuff” with her mom. God gave me a second chance at 48 to be a dad. And this time, I knew He meant for me to do it right. And that’s what I’m doing. No activity, ministry, job, or responsibility will keep me from being the dad I should have been the first time around. And I love it.

So where is all this going? Well, I began to reflect this last weekend how bad I had been with my kids. I began to think about how I had messed their emotions and lives up, and then I thought about my own dad. My dad was one of the greats. When I was a child, he enjoyed me being with him wherever he was. We did all kinds of things together and I never doubted his love for me. My dad never spoke down to me, never insulted me, never called me stupid, always proved he loved me. He died in 1993 and I still miss him today. I don’t want to stop missing him. And when I’m gone, I don’t want Jacquilyn to want to stop missing me.

So, I’ve let my daughters from my first marriage know I love them and that I’m here and open to them if they decide they want to reconcile our relationship. But I realized some years ago, that I cannot let guilt over my adult children wreck my life and whatever chance I have to make something of value of it for someone else. If I concentrated on them endlessly and lived in grief over their resentment, I would not have been able to accept the grace of God that has been extended to me over the last 20 years. Ironic that I would have had all this input into the lives of kids and finally end up with another chance at being a dad. That’s God. And to accept His grace, you have to forgive yourself and be willing to go forward with Him.

So that’s where it’s going. I’m not the only man who was a miserable failure as a dad. There are lots more out there. I’ve met a lot of them eaten up with grief and guilt, and my story has given a good deal of encouragement to many of them. So here it is again in writing. If you messed it up the first time, let your grown kids know your arms are wide open. Pray and believe for them. But face the other way, place your lives in God’s hands and let him start you moving forward again. Because you messing it up is not the end for God. It’s a chance for Him to show His grace giving you another chance.

So if that’s you at any level and you’re reading this, start looking for a chance to invest in some kids’ lives in some way. Ask God to help you get it right and watch what he does. And who knows, maybe you, like I did, will get a chance to make an eternal difference over and over and maybe even get an opportunity to be a dad all over again. Because it’s not about your failure. It’s about what God is ready to do to show his glory in your weakness.

Let Him get you “going forward” again…….dad.

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