Mark Rogers

After a powerful message and service at my church this past Sunday morning, I began to reflect on my life…..as a dad. When it comes to thinking back over my life in that role, I try to avoid it. Yep, you read it right. I try to avoid thinking about it. All I can say is, I’m thankful God is the God of mercy and second chances. I’m glad, because just being candid and open with you, in my younger life I was a sorry dad. Not that I was abusive or did any of the big things that you think about when talking about sorry dads.

Going through a divorce early in my adult years, the mother of my two daughters and I had a tumultuous relationship at it’s best, horrible at its worst. And it inevitably ended in divorce. When I got divorced, I was not a Christian, and was glad to get out of a terrible and sometimes dangerous relationship that left all of our lives in shambles. One of my daughters was 4, the other just months old. At that point, I should have made a huge effort to make sure I did everything I could to be a part of my daughters’ lives, but to avoid being near their mother, I often avoided them. And as they grew the importance of this deficit grew with them.

Now, you can throw out the excuse that I wasn’t a Christian, didn’t have Christ in me, etc. And it would sound much better, except that five years after I was divorced, I became a Christian, but my dad skills didn’t improve. Filled with the Spirit of God, tons of people around me prophesying how great I was going to be, I had to serve and couldn’t let anything as trivial as my kids’ activities keep my wonderfulness from doing the work of God. My kids became an inconvenience to my service to God and when I was with them there was always a watching of the clock and often they were left in the care of grandparents while I went off to do “God’s work”. I was too busy with church to give attention to my young daughters, and a price was building that we would all pay for years to come and continue to pay to this day.

Well into my Christian life, I became aware of what I had done, and on my knees in front of both of my kids one afternoon, I repented of what I had done to them and vowed to change. I asked their forgiveness which, at that point they extended as kids usually do. But deep damage had been done. As they grew, they grew away from me, away from church, away from God. While they loved me, I had given them no reason as kids to understand God as a “father” and it took a deep toll. Today, I have no relationship with one daughter and the other is deeply troubled having been in and out of jail, prison, and drug rehab over and over through her entire adult life. No more needs to be said about this. You probably get the point. I guess here is a good place to insert that if you recognize yourself in what I used to be like, stop dead in your tracks and get it right without any delay. Before you can blink the opportunity will be past and the damage done.

But moving on, the irony of God’s mercy showed up years later when the youth pastor at my church asked my current wife and I if we would like to teach teenagers. We reluctantly agreed and embarked on what would be an incredible 15 year journey that would connect us with dozens of teenagers. With many of them we developed relationships that have lasted until today, some of them now in their 30s with families serving God alongside us. And God gave us the privilege to become involved in other people’s lives helping them raise their kids just like they were our grand kids.

And then the biggest irony of all when 6 years ago, God placed a little 9 year old Mexican girl in our lives, who became our daughter, the love of our life, and as much a part of our lives as any child could be to parents. Today, she has just turned 16 and is one of the most unique kids we have ever known. Jacquilyn loves us and likes to hang out with us. She does martial arts, shooting and fishing with me, and all kinds of “girl stuff” with her mom. God gave me a second chance at 48 to be a dad. And this time, I knew He meant for me to do it right. And that’s what I’m doing. No activity, ministry, job, or responsibility will keep me from being the dad I should have been the first time around. And I love it.

So where is all this going? Well, I began to reflect this last weekend how bad I had been with my kids. I began to think about how I had messed their emotions and lives up, and then I thought about my own dad. My dad was one of the greats. When I was a child, he enjoyed me being with him wherever he was. We did all kinds of things together and I never doubted his love for me. My dad never spoke down to me, never insulted me, never called me stupid, always proved he loved me. He died in 1993 and I still miss him today. I don’t want to stop missing him. And when I’m gone, I don’t want Jacquilyn to want to stop missing me.

So, I’ve let my daughters from my first marriage know I love them and that I’m here and open to them if they decide they want to reconcile our relationship. But I realized some years ago, that I cannot let guilt over my adult children wreck my life and whatever chance I have to make something of value of it for someone else. If I concentrated on them endlessly and lived in grief over their resentment, I would not have been able to accept the grace of God that has been extended to me over the last 20 years. Ironic that I would have had all this input into the lives of kids and finally end up with another chance at being a dad. That’s God. And to accept His grace, you have to forgive yourself and be willing to go forward with Him.

So that’s where it’s going. I’m not the only man who was a miserable failure as a dad. There are lots more out there. I’ve met a lot of them eaten up with grief and guilt, and my story has given a good deal of encouragement to many of them. So here it is again in writing. If you messed it up the first time, let your grown kids know your arms are wide open. Pray and believe for them. But face the other way, place your lives in God’s hands and let him start you moving forward again. Because you messing it up is not the end for God. It’s a chance for Him to show His grace giving you another chance.

So if that’s you at any level and you’re reading this, start looking for a chance to invest in some kids’ lives in some way. Ask God to help you get it right and watch what he does. And who knows, maybe you, like I did, will get a chance to make an eternal difference over and over and maybe even get an opportunity to be a dad all over again. Because it’s not about your failure. It’s about what God is ready to do to show his glory in your weakness.

Let Him get you “going forward” again…….dad.

It had to be hard to have Jesus pin you down if you intended to use any kind of excuse when He offered you the option to follow Him. Since he could judge the intent of people’s hearts, they had no place to turn when trying to get out of something, trying to look good in the process.

When a scribe came to Jesus and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go”, Jesus said, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.” This scribe had no doubt observed the miracles, seen the great crowds, and was drawn to what he perceived as the life of a celebrity. Jesus clarified what the scribe was getting himself into. Many people initially see ministry as something enjoyable and fulfilling for them, and often enter on what’s in it for them, not realizing the real requirements that God places on us to always place others before ourselves, and the resulting physical, emotional and spiritual hardship that accompanies it. And it’s from that perception that many people enter and quickly leave areas of ministry, because it did not meet their expectations of what they thought it would mean to them. In this case Jesus knew what was in his heart and the odd statement was a warning of what was to come.

Another disciple came to him and said, “Lord, permit me to first go and bury my father”. Jesus’ answer was striking, and seemed harsh. He said, “Follow me, and allow the dead to bury their dead.” Now, was Jesus cruel? We know He wasn’t. So He must have known something about the man’s request that brought about what seemed like a cruel response. Well, first of all, it’s very likely the man’s father wasn’t dead. It was common in Jewish terminology, to refer to people’s death and burial when they were old or infirm. So, the request “Let me first go and bury my father” was probably a request to go back to his elderly father, wait till he died, and then follow Christ. What Jesus knew in any case was that it was not the concern for his father that brought about the request, but using his father as an excuse to delay what Jesus had prompted him to do. And Jesus had said, “If anyone loves father or mother…..son or daughter more than me, they are not worthy of Me.” Better watch it when we use family as an excuse not to serve.

When a rich young ruler came to Jesus and asked what he must do to inherit eternal life, Jesus listed several things which the rich young man quickly asserted as having already done. So, Jesus said “Great, there’s just one more thing. Go sell all that you have, give it to the poor, and follow Me.” It was then that the rich man slunk away, because Jesus hit the source of his biggest excuse.

Jesus knew the intent of these peoples’ heart from the beginning and dealt with an impending excuse as well as two others who had their excuses in hand. In being able to read their heart and mind, He had an advantage we don’t have when asking people to serve. But we can discern their intent and sincerity by observing their actions for a while. People use their families, their houses, their jobs, their recreation, and a myriad of other excuses not to serve. None of which are validated by scripture. When Jesus said, “He who does not take up his cross and follow me, is not worthy of me”, He pretty much covered evey contingent imaginable for excuses.

Finally, the worst “delay tactic”, even worse than “let me go bury my father” today is, “I’ll pray about it.” Now does that mean prayer is wrong? Absolutely not, as long as it’s real, sincere, and designed to get an answer, and not designed as a delay tactic hoping the prompting to serve will go away. A person actually praying for an answer, will eventually give one also. Those using the phrase as a delay tactic never give one unless they’re pursued again and have to come up with something.

Things have not changed since Jesus’ day as far as human nature is concerned. People still use every excuse under the sun, even prayer, to delay or deny service to Christ, while trying to look good at the same time. So remember that when asked to serve, it’s always right to pray if you’re not sure about your specific assignment, but it’s never right to use anything as an excuse, especially prayer. And while those of us who throw out the opportunities can’t immediately tell the intent of the heart, Jesus still can. And His attitude toward excuses has not changed.

I feel sorry for people who go on vacation to “get away from it all”. I feel sorry for them because I’ve been there, with a job and an attitude that made “getting away from it all” the most desired condition I could imagine. Life, relationships, job so miserable that getting away from it all was tantamount to going temporarily to heaven. I’m thankful that it’s not where I am in life now.

Oh, I’m on vacation as I write this, and I started to reflect on a good man who recently said to me that when he goes off into the woods or on the river it was to “get away from work and church”. I could understand work, but getiting away from church confounded me. Now I work for a church and consequently, when I go on vacation, essentially, I am getting away from church, but that’s never my intent. When I go on vacation, I don’t think of it in terms of “getting away” from what God has blessed me with as my vocation, which is engaging in the plan of God for my life. I never have the desire to get away from my office, get away from the incredible people I work with, get away from the unpaid servants who work with me in ministry, or get away from my Christian friends from those groups.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying being on vacation. But not because I want to “get away” from anything. Because I enjoy getting to do some things I really like to do at a level I can’t do in my normal work week. But even then, I try to include some great friends in what I’m doing in my time off.

So, I work for the church that has been my church all my Christian life. Must be easy to write all this. But I’ve met some great people in my life that worked in retail businesses, factories, for distributors, service businesses, that had an attitude that no matter what went on around them, they exhibited an attitude that said “I’m a Christian, and no matter what “I’m going to be positive about my station in life”. They don’t gripe about their job. They are thankful for it. They serve God in spite of the hours or physical stress involved. And while they’ll take their vacation just like everyone else, they never exhibit and attitude that says, “I need to get away from it all”. Their whole life says, “God has given me all that I have and I’m thankful for it.”

The same can be said for self employed people. I went trout fishing this week. The guy that drove us to our destination is self employed. He was up all night sick. Throwing up. He got better as the night went on, and at 3:00 a.m. got in his truck, with trailer attached, motorcycle on board as a “fetch” vehicle, and showed up on the parking lot of my church at 3:30 a.m. with his vehicles and kayak ready to go. He drove us about 180 miles both ways, used his stuff to be sure we could make it to our “drop off” and “put in” destinations, showed no signs of fatigue, drove the entire trip both ways, and created as much “fun” with his attitude and stories as anyone you could imagine. If he reads this, he’ll know who he is. If anybody who knows him reads this, they’ll know who he is. Why? Because he’s somebody who embraces life at all levels with a thankful heart to God who he acknowledges is responsible for everything he has.

So, a need to “get away from it all” probably means that a person is involved in some things that he or she shouldn’t be involved in, or it means that he or she has an attitude that is not consistent with the clear commands of scripture that tell us to keep in mind that God has provided all that we have. Our spouses, our children, our jobs, our finances, our stuff, our abilities, our opportunities.

This is a blog, which is basically a glorified means of “venting” or “expressing ourselves”, so I’m expressing myself by saying I’m glad to be on vacation to do some stuff I like to do. But I’m thankful that on a day to day and week to week basis, I never feel the need to “get away from it all”.

Blessings to all ~ Mark Rogers

Last night I went to a funeral visitation. Now as a staff pastor in a large church, I go to quite a few funerals and visitations. But this one was like just a handfull of them that I’ve been to in that it was not for an adult. It was for a seventeen month old, angelic faced little girl. And this one was like none of the others of this kind, in that this little girl was murdered by the mother’s boyfriend who was watching the baby by himself. When the child wouldn’t stop crying he shook and banged her hard enough to cause massive head trauma which rendered her unconscious and ultimately killed her. No secret here. It’s been all over the local news. Today, he was being arraigned for murder.

Now you may think from the title of the blog, that “Wondering How” is being applied to how he could do that. But no, not this time. The wondering how was wondering how the baby’s grandfather managed to continue to talk to this young man during the time the ordeal of wondering if the little girl was going to survive was going on. The in between time where the man had not admitted what he had done as it became more obvious. And how this grandfather, after the man confessed to him, drove him to the police station where he was arrested, and attempted to witness to him. And how this grandfather could talk to the parents of the young man who killed his granddaughter and express his understanding of the loss of their son to his horrible act which will land him in prison for much of his adult life.

Wondering how? Simple. Christ, the hope of glory resident in this grandfather that gave him, in the middle of his grief, the strength, compassion and grace to love in the midst of a situation that seems impossible to love in. We go about our everyday lives and all of a sudden something like this hits us in the face and gives us a view into the very heart of Christ.

What will happen to this young man who did the terrible act that repulsed everybody that heard of it? If he does not repent and accept Christ, there will be a very deep, hot place for him in eternity. But as much as it goes against our dignity and our sense of justice, even he, if he repents, asks forgiveness and accepts Christ as Lord and Savior, his sin, including this horrible one will be forgiven. Justice will be carried out on this earth, but in eternity, he has a chance for glorious eternal life.

Why did I write this? Because I have to make sense of it all myself. I have to ask myself how God could give him grace. I fight the imagination of what I would have done in the place of the grandfather who extended grace to the one who murdered his granddaughter. But what works for forgiveness of the “regular” sins, works for the most heinous of sins.

The blood of Jesus is not limited to our sense of right and wrong and justice. It simply washes away all sin to those who turn to Him. And when it comes down to it, even if this guy gets a shot at grace, I really wouldn’t want it any other way.

I guess of all the items of life that have served me well over the years, I would have to say that a sense of humor has served me best. The kind of attitude that thinks, “Well this may be bad, but at least it’ll make for a good story.” And because I have that kind of sense of humor, I have to have friends who can take it which means they pretty much have to have the same kind of thought processes.

Recently, a friend of mine and I were on our way back from a fishing trip. We were in his vehicle pulling his boat, when all of a sudden the suv gave a jerk, a thump and then went dead, just coasting down the highway. And the realization that we had run out of gas clouded my friend’s face. Fortunately we found a convenient place to coast to a stop on, and got out of the vehicle to determine what to do next on the edge of a small town so little there was no gas station.

It didn’t take us long to figure out that while we didn’t have any gas in the suv, we had plenty in the boat. So with the use of a small ice chest, the bulb and gas line on the boat, and a bottle cut for a funnel, we managed to siphon enough gas out of the boat to make it to the next town. Standing on the side of the road, we were ghetto supreme, one of us pouring gas out of an ice chest while the other held a cut out plastic bottle to get some of the gas in the tank while a good deal of it splashed out on the side of the road. And of course the humiliation of knowing it was being seen by the hundred or so cars that passed while this process took place. We continued down the road with several more issues arising because these type situations don’t get better, they build. But in all of it, we stayed upbeat, laughing and made the best of it. And predictably all of it made a good story.

My last post detailed my disastrous fishing trip with my kayak overturning. But when all of it was over, the first thing I did was give a vague and humorous account of it on Facebook to let everybody have fun with, which they did. The few sour responses I got were no doubt from good people, but people that I probably would not do well trying to run around with. Predictably, the first one that laughed at me online was the guy in the running out of gas story above. That’s the reason he’s my friend, because he understands humor under adverse conditions whether it’s his own mishaps or somebody else’s.

A little over 20 years ago, a business that I had worked for 8 years, began to bring family members in and replacing tenured employees. I knew getting dumped was inevitable. The manager of the business had become a friend of mine and in the course of our conversation, I said, I’m fired aren’t I? He hung his head and nodded, though I had wrung it out of him before it was time to replace me and before anyone was ready to fill my position. So, I asked when it was supposed to happen, told him I would just keep going until that time, and we went to lunch together. I looked at him at lunch, addressed him by name and asked, “So when’s the last time you fired somebody then went to lunch with them?” Tension broken, stress relieved and it all became a big joke. And I obviously survived and thrived without the job becoming self employed for the next 13 years.

If you have issues with non clinical depression, see every negative as a defeat, or if you just have a rotten personality, the Bible, like it does for most other life issues, gives us a remedy in Proverbs 17:22 “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

So, if you find yourself in a position in life where you just feel rotten about everything, you’ve undergone some kind of life setback, or you just know nobody likes you, try to muster up a little humor. It will do wonders for your attitude, improve your face, and fix your relationships.

Try it God’s way. You’ll like it.